This is how I ended up in tears last night...

I don’t know how to wrap a Sari*. 

Okay well — I kind of do. 

First you tuck the cloth into the underskirt. 

Then, you wrap around once.   

And suddenly only three steps in, you’re supposed to use a magical pinky and thumb trick to make some beautiful pleats, you wrap it around your body one more time, throw it over your shoulder, and VOILA. 

Yeah… 

...I definitely don’t know how to properly pleat and wrap a sari. 

And to this date, it’s one of the things that breaks my heart that I don’t know how to properly do.  

The frustration that comes with having 7 yards of fabric in your hand that doesn’t seem to want to listen to you?  

It’s not a fun feeling. 

Last night, in an attempt to nurture my roots, I pulled open the box that held my favourite sarees, and tried again — in what felt like the millionth time in the past year. 

30 minutes later, and I was sitting in the midst of my pile of poorly pleated silk, and crying. 

It wasn’t just about the Sari though. It was about more. It was about the fact that things feel like they’re changing. Businesses are opening up again, in Ontario. People are “getting ready” to “go back into the world.”

But the world feels really different now. 

In a weird little way, the world feels a lot like how Sarees feel to me.  

It feels like I really do belong in it. Like this is a place where I know I have felt happiness, comfort, and at home. Naturally, I want to re-enter, and exist in it.  

But trying to dive into it?? 

It’s overwhelming. Scary. It’s a lot to deal with all at once. And it feels like everyone around me knows exactly how it should be done, but I’m the only one still trying to figure it out, and suddenly, the very thing that brings me comfort, and joy, and makes me feel at home instead starts to feel foreign and hard to navigate. 

I did a lot of things over the course of last week to remind myself that my body, and heart needed some good ol’ tender, love, & care.

But sitting in my living room floor with 7 yards of soft silk fabric that felt like home and smelled like my grandma’s closet — and yet — filled me with anxiety, reminded me that there is always space for a little more work to be done when it comes to taking care of ourselves. 

Because as much as the motivational quotes have continued to shower us with messages of toxic positivity*, and all the incredible things we could have be doing with all this extra time, I’ve been reminding myself that this era is something that is going to come with it’s own set of tribulations that need time to heal, and process.

That this world that we are ‘re-entering’ into, is not the same one we left behind. 

And this idea of third culture* that I’ve grown up my entire life trying to understand — as I straddle two different worlds only to realize that I’m creating a whole new one — feels a lot like what we’re all about to navigate. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. Based on our different privileges, and the experiences (and losses) we may or may not have had during the last two and a half months (2.5 months!!!!) our navigation of our new world is going to be different for each of us. 

But some days might still feel overwhelming, and you may just end up in the middle of all of it with tears you didn’t even realize were leaking hurriedly down your face. 

But I hope that on those days, we learn that it’s okay. 

And we call up on our strength to find the resources we have —  whether that be our mothers, our sisters, our partners —  or even Google  — and find a way to navigate it. 

And then, we try again.

P.S. One big girl cry later, a pep talk from my partner, and one more YouTube tutorial and I finally managed to nail the magical thumb-pinky trick. As Glennon Doyle reminded all of us — we can do hard things. And that is what counts.

To help in the process of education and advocacy, I’ve decided to start including a Glossary of Terms, to better make these terms and ideas accessible and easier to understand. 

Sari: a garment worn by Hindu women, consisting of a long piece of cotton or silk wrapped around the body with one end draped over the head or over one shoulder.

Third Culture: Refers to the mixed identity that a child assumes, influenced both by their parents' culture and the culture in which they are raised. Also expanded to include the children of refugee families and those displaced for political reasons, as well as anyone whose work or lifestyle causes a need to settle in another part of the world.

Toxic Positivity: The excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.