Everything is F*cked & Figureoutable: A non-toxic idea

How’s it going, friend?  

Because let me tell you: in full transparency, it hasn’t been so great on my end of the table. 

But it’s going to be okay, right?

After all, look on the bright side, right???

Nope, nah ah, no thank you.

Instead, this past week, my perspective on life has looked a lot like Mark Manson’s second book: 

“Everything is F*cked”

Yeah — that’s my current mood, hbu? 

In fact, that’s my current mood and multiplied, every time I see yet another "The Positive Outcome of COVID-19 post" or “You got this” motivational quote to counter the very real struggles that a vast majority of the population is currently facing. 

Allow me to introduce you to our not-so-nice friend: Toxic Positivity.  

[Toxic Positivity] Definition: the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience. 

Toxic Positivity is emotional gaslighting at its finest — and is one of the more complex sides of being online in a time like this. While its intentions often come from a well-intentioned place, it often results in shame around our real emotions, or realities, and promotes suppressing emotions in order to navigate to a better space. 

But here’s the thing — toxic positivity has been around constantly and everywhere even before the state of COVID-19. It shows up in Nike’s “just do it”, in arguments that promote meritocracy, and in promoting ideas that we can simply manifest our dreams and visions provided we can simply mentally get there. 

And it’s not that I don’t believe in the power of positive energy or manifesting better realities. 

It just needs a LOT more nuance. ESPECIALLY when we’re trying to uplift and empower marginalized communities with support to find themselves in better spaces. 

Here’s just a part of where toxic positivity falls short: it often fails to acknowledge very real systemic and institutional barriers that individuals may be facing, that add to personal hardship, mental health struggles, and financial barriers that prevent making it easy to find your way into a positive outlook of whatever circumstance you’re navigating. 

In simple words? 

Toxic Positivity sucks.  

So instead, I’m reminding you — and myself in the process, of the words we all need to keep hearing and sharing with each other. 

Overwhelmed? That’s okay. In a really stressful financial situation as a result of the circumstances? That’s valid and can cause multiple forms of anxiety. Immunocompromised or a Hypochondriac?  Your fears are real and it should not be your duty to keep educating everyone. Feeling unproductive and anxious even though you recognize your privilege? Your privilege and your feelings of anxiety and overwhelm are not mutually exclusive.   

Here’s the truth: 

Suffering and sadness deserve and will demand to be felt. Your feelings, if not acknowledged, will show up in ways that are unhealthy. The kindest thing you can do for your body, your mind, and your circumstance — in my humble opinion — is to feel.  

And after that? 

That’s when you take things one step at a time. You grieve the privileges you don’t have, the sadness that you are feeling, and the circumstances that are scary, and you start to [slowly] wade through it. 

One of my favourite exercises that helps me start to wade is asking myself, comes from a conversation with my friend and coach Katy Prince, starting with: “And if I don’t do this, then what will happen?” versus “If I do try this, then what can happen?” until I get to a place where I like the potential outcome. 

And then?

Baby steps. Big picture to keep me motivated, small picture to keep it manageable. Breathe. Slow down. Cry. Feel. And try again. 

After all — those are my daily to-do’s on rinse and repeat right now —  and so far, she’s doing okay. 

Breathe. Slow down. Cry. Feel. And try again. Pause. 

Breathe. Slow down. Cry. Feel. And try again. Pause. 

Breathe. Slow down. Cry. Feel. And try again. Pause. 

Breathe. Slow down. Cry. Feel. And try again. Pause. 

Breathe. Slow down. Cry. Feel. And try again. Pause.

Because Everything IS F*cked. 

But everything is, eventually, figureoutable too. And both of those things can co-exist together. 

Until next time,

Jenny Jay